I'm better than you
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me as a pedestrian:[catwalks slowly across street as 90 cars pile up behind each other trying to turn; throws modelesque glance backwards over designer shades] [car inches into crosswalk] HOW DARE YOU COME WITHIN FIVE FEET OF ME!? I HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT OF WAY??? SEE YOU IN COURT YOU CAPITALIST, PLANET-DESTROYING SCUM
me driving:say your prayers


im really fucking sarcastic for someone who’s about to start crying most of the time

(via duvk)

me nd my cougar gf

me:babe i love your necklace
gf:thats me Life Alert®


Apparently it’s not socially acceptable for a man to invite another man out just for coffee or to go out for a meal, in case it’s perceived as a date. Like it’s fine if you wanna go to the pub and drink beer and have a chat but make it non-alcoholic and suddenly you’re not straight anymore? You can go to the cinema together but ONLY if it’s an action movie. You guys can’t even just go shopping with each other. Oh masculinity, so fragile, so strange. 

(via duvk)


friend: “i can only bring one friend. wanna go?” 



(via the-freaks-that-lived)


i’m going to glue 1,000 cotton balls onto my body so i can finally become a cloud

(via duvk)




imagine if you named your kid dad. just dad.


Actually that’s just his nickname. His real name is [trucks honking], but everyone just calls him dad.

(via miranduh-cosgrove)


Spongebob is the mother fuckin devil

(via whatsacanada)

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